Sex Bumps

So, Pamela tells me that the weird breakout on my face is sex bumps. She says as soon as I get some, it'll all clear up. Oh. Maybe.

Yesterday one appeared on the very top of my hairline, on my forehead. Not a zit. Looks more like a burn after it's bubbled. The next one appeared tonight, on my jawline. And another, within minutes, it seemed...on the bridge of my nose. What??

I've had hives before...serious ones...ones that almost killed me, in fact. But this is strange. This is, well, maybe.....sex bumps, after all.

Yeah, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Who doesn't? Yeah, I've been propositioned, for sure. Who hasn't? Yeah, I want it.....a lot. Okay, maybe Pamela's right....hmmmmmm........

I think there's something wrong with me...besides the sex bumps. Sometimes I have an insatiable appetite for sex...really...couldn't get enough if I tried. And sometimes I'm so over sex that I could join a convent and give it up forEVER. Okay, maybe not, but seriously, sometimes the thought of it repulses me...and other times it's all I can think about. What's the fuckin' deal here?

Now I think maybe my "sex bumps" are really there because I ate a lot of king crab tonight. Maybe I'm a little bit allergic?? Maybe I'm stressed out about something I can't even put a finger on. Maybe I should put a finger on something, so I'm not so stressed out??

Shit, I dunno. But I DO know, it's kinda fun to write a blog post after A LOT of margaritas. ;)

By the way, I've decided to say "FUCK IT" to the whole finding love thing. I'm just gonna make myself happy, make myself healthy, and make myself RIGHT. Forget men. Except, of course, when I need to use them for sex. ;)

Will You Mind?

For several years now, I have felt like I'm "ready for love". But am I? What it means to me is that I'd be ready for a relationship, likely a live-in one, as that's kinda the point, right? To live with someone and procreate, meld lives, inspire each other, make each other toast and coffee?

But I find myself in a scaredy-cat frenzy whenever I imagine someone else, the person I may end up with, in my space. In my home. In my everything. I am staunchly independent, to a fault I think. I freak out at the idea that I may have to close the door when I go to the bathroom, that hanging out in my pajamas all day might not be in my future anymore. My anxiety peaks when I imagine this fabled lover finding out all my faults, finding out I smoke in my bedroom, I cry for stupid reasons, I need people more than I'd like to admit, and I blow my nose a lot lately.

So, to this possible future soulmate, partner, lover, friend, husband....I ask you this....

Will you mind if I get a little drunk and act like an ass?
Will you mind if I beat you at most board games?
Will you mind if I want and/or expect random flowers on random days?
Will you mind if I cry over Steel Magnolias, even though I've seen it a hundred times?
Will you stand your ground when we fight, because I like to fight sometimes?
Will you back me up even when you know I'm wrong, if it's going to work out anyway?
Will you laugh with me until we both snort and roll on the ground?
Will you mind if I don't shave my legs every day?
Will you hold my hand just because?
Will you inspire me to accomplish my dreams, even if they seem silly to you?
Will you mind if I don't look so pretty when I wake up?
Will you mind if I play poker sometimes for 12 hours?
Will you mind if I want to show you off?
Will you mind if I want to cook, and clean, and go all June Cleaver on your ass?
Will you mind if I want to make you my everything, when I'm in the mood?
Will you mind if I need you to go away when I'm not?
Will you mind if I feel like having a bad day, and don't want to be cheered up?
Will you mind if I am selfish, rude, and bitchy once in a while?
Will you accept me, in all my craziness?
Will you love me, no matter what?
Will you stay.....forever?
Will you ease my fears, and tell me I'm beautiful and perfect....for you?


Here's the truth...I'm scared. I'm scared that someone will mind at least one of these things, and that it will be a deal-breaker. But more so, I'm scared that someone won't mind any of this....and I'll actually have to commit. Because, for me, it's one and done. And that's a lot to imagine for someone like me.

But will you mind giving me that, and maybe a little more? I promise it'll be worth it. :)

What Is WRONG With You?!?!?!?!

Recently it seems like my life is aswarm with Las Vegas boys. And I say "boys" on purpose. I am quickly becoming fed up with the male persuasion in this city. Who in the hell do you think you are, really??

Let me digress, and disect a few of these shit-heels for you, readers, and maybe you can make some sense of it all....

There's Sean, who after a week of knowing me, decided he was in love and wanted to move in. I'm assuming he really just needed a place to stay, but who am I to judge? Anyway, the saga continued with him about a week and a half ago. He texted me in the middle of the night, telling me he has chlamydia and that I gave it to him. He's certain. He hasn't been tested, but is going in the next day. He has all the symptoms, and I'm the only person he's slept with since August, so I definitely gave it to him. I freak out, go get tested for EVERYTHING, and pay a million dollars for it, and come up completely CLEAN. Now, why would someone lie about a thing like that?? He turned my life upside-down for no reason, so to return the favor, I told him he has a little penis. I feel better.

Most recently, we have Anthony, pronounced Ant-ony, who is a guy I met at a Reggae club. Sweet guy, good kisser, a little short, but when you're drunk, does that matter? He's been texting and calling me several times a day for over a week, trying to get me to come out and see him, go to lunch with him, invite him over for who-knows-what. Well, I know what. Come to find out, he has a pregnant girlfriend, and.....a wife. Now, what the fuck does he want with me??? Jesus!

We also have another Shawn, from a few months ago. Met him on New Year's. He has a girlfriend too, come to find out. And when I told him I have a new hobby of creating websites for myself and others, he wanted a piece of me, wouldn't leave me alone. I didn't give him any, but he persists still. Now he wants me to make him a porn site. Really?

There's a whole gaggle of old men that want in on the Julie action as well. Now, I've dated men much older than me in the past, but not grandpa age, for crissake. What would they do with me if they had me anyway?? And don't they think for a MINUTE, that someone my age might actually want to settle down and get married, have kids, lead a normal life?? How am I gonna do that with a 60+ year old man??

Then there's who we call A.J. He pops in and out of my space, "wanting more" this time. Wanting to "do it right". Then disappears again, as quickly as he arrived, making me wonder if I'M crazy, or dellusional, or both. Playing. Playing with my mind, my heart, my hopes. It's all a game. We are in Las Vegas, after all.

There are big guys, little guys, married and engaged guys, young guys, old guys, crazy guys, boring guys, gamblers, tight-wads, angry ones, sad ones, confused ones. But there's never the right guy. Not here.

I'm over it.