Sex Bumps

So, Pamela tells me that the weird breakout on my face is sex bumps. She says as soon as I get some, it'll all clear up. Oh. Maybe.

Yesterday one appeared on the very top of my hairline, on my forehead. Not a zit. Looks more like a burn after it's bubbled. The next one appeared tonight, on my jawline. And another, within minutes, it seemed...on the bridge of my nose. What??

I've had hives before...serious ones...ones that almost killed me, in fact. But this is strange. This is, well, maybe.....sex bumps, after all.

Yeah, I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Who doesn't? Yeah, I've been propositioned, for sure. Who hasn't? Yeah, I want it.....a lot. Okay, maybe Pamela's right....hmmmmmm........

I think there's something wrong with me...besides the sex bumps. Sometimes I have an insatiable appetite for sex...really...couldn't get enough if I tried. And sometimes I'm so over sex that I could join a convent and give it up forEVER. Okay, maybe not, but seriously, sometimes the thought of it repulses me...and other times it's all I can think about. What's the fuckin' deal here?

Now I think maybe my "sex bumps" are really there because I ate a lot of king crab tonight. Maybe I'm a little bit allergic?? Maybe I'm stressed out about something I can't even put a finger on. Maybe I should put a finger on something, so I'm not so stressed out??

Shit, I dunno. But I DO know, it's kinda fun to write a blog post after A LOT of margaritas. ;)

By the way, I've decided to say "FUCK IT" to the whole finding love thing. I'm just gonna make myself happy, make myself healthy, and make myself RIGHT. Forget men. Except, of course, when I need to use them for sex. ;)

Will You Mind?

For several years now, I have felt like I'm "ready for love". But am I? What it means to me is that I'd be ready for a relationship, likely a live-in one, as that's kinda the point, right? To live with someone and procreate, meld lives, inspire each other, make each other toast and coffee?

But I find myself in a scaredy-cat frenzy whenever I imagine someone else, the person I may end up with, in my space. In my home. In my everything. I am staunchly independent, to a fault I think. I freak out at the idea that I may have to close the door when I go to the bathroom, that hanging out in my pajamas all day might not be in my future anymore. My anxiety peaks when I imagine this fabled lover finding out all my faults, finding out I smoke in my bedroom, I cry for stupid reasons, I need people more than I'd like to admit, and I blow my nose a lot lately.

So, to this possible future soulmate, partner, lover, friend, husband....I ask you this....

Will you mind if I get a little drunk and act like an ass?
Will you mind if I beat you at most board games?
Will you mind if I want and/or expect random flowers on random days?
Will you mind if I cry over Steel Magnolias, even though I've seen it a hundred times?
Will you stand your ground when we fight, because I like to fight sometimes?
Will you back me up even when you know I'm wrong, if it's going to work out anyway?
Will you laugh with me until we both snort and roll on the ground?
Will you mind if I don't shave my legs every day?
Will you hold my hand just because?
Will you inspire me to accomplish my dreams, even if they seem silly to you?
Will you mind if I don't look so pretty when I wake up?
Will you mind if I play poker sometimes for 12 hours?
Will you mind if I want to show you off?
Will you mind if I want to cook, and clean, and go all June Cleaver on your ass?
Will you mind if I want to make you my everything, when I'm in the mood?
Will you mind if I need you to go away when I'm not?
Will you mind if I feel like having a bad day, and don't want to be cheered up?
Will you mind if I am selfish, rude, and bitchy once in a while?
Will you accept me, in all my craziness?
Will you love me, no matter what?
Will you stay.....forever?
Will you ease my fears, and tell me I'm beautiful and perfect....for you?


Here's the truth...I'm scared. I'm scared that someone will mind at least one of these things, and that it will be a deal-breaker. But more so, I'm scared that someone won't mind any of this....and I'll actually have to commit. Because, for me, it's one and done. And that's a lot to imagine for someone like me.

But will you mind giving me that, and maybe a little more? I promise it'll be worth it. :)

What Is WRONG With You?!?!?!?!

Recently it seems like my life is aswarm with Las Vegas boys. And I say "boys" on purpose. I am quickly becoming fed up with the male persuasion in this city. Who in the hell do you think you are, really??

Let me digress, and disect a few of these shit-heels for you, readers, and maybe you can make some sense of it all....

There's Sean, who after a week of knowing me, decided he was in love and wanted to move in. I'm assuming he really just needed a place to stay, but who am I to judge? Anyway, the saga continued with him about a week and a half ago. He texted me in the middle of the night, telling me he has chlamydia and that I gave it to him. He's certain. He hasn't been tested, but is going in the next day. He has all the symptoms, and I'm the only person he's slept with since August, so I definitely gave it to him. I freak out, go get tested for EVERYTHING, and pay a million dollars for it, and come up completely CLEAN. Now, why would someone lie about a thing like that?? He turned my life upside-down for no reason, so to return the favor, I told him he has a little penis. I feel better.

Most recently, we have Anthony, pronounced Ant-ony, who is a guy I met at a Reggae club. Sweet guy, good kisser, a little short, but when you're drunk, does that matter? He's been texting and calling me several times a day for over a week, trying to get me to come out and see him, go to lunch with him, invite him over for who-knows-what. Well, I know what. Come to find out, he has a pregnant girlfriend, and.....a wife. Now, what the fuck does he want with me??? Jesus!

We also have another Shawn, from a few months ago. Met him on New Year's. He has a girlfriend too, come to find out. And when I told him I have a new hobby of creating websites for myself and others, he wanted a piece of me, wouldn't leave me alone. I didn't give him any, but he persists still. Now he wants me to make him a porn site. Really?

There's a whole gaggle of old men that want in on the Julie action as well. Now, I've dated men much older than me in the past, but not grandpa age, for crissake. What would they do with me if they had me anyway?? And don't they think for a MINUTE, that someone my age might actually want to settle down and get married, have kids, lead a normal life?? How am I gonna do that with a 60+ year old man??

Then there's who we call A.J. He pops in and out of my space, "wanting more" this time. Wanting to "do it right". Then disappears again, as quickly as he arrived, making me wonder if I'M crazy, or dellusional, or both. Playing. Playing with my mind, my heart, my hopes. It's all a game. We are in Las Vegas, after all.

There are big guys, little guys, married and engaged guys, young guys, old guys, crazy guys, boring guys, gamblers, tight-wads, angry ones, sad ones, confused ones. But there's never the right guy. Not here.

I'm over it.

The Member

They call it lots of things...their member, schlong, weenie, Mr. Big Stuff, sausage, submarine, Thor, Mini-Me, rod, pile driver, Johnson, third leg, and sometimes even penis.

What I've found out about men and their "members" is that the size of their manhood is directly related to their security or insecurity with themselves. Getting close to a man, intimate or otherwise, who is not well-endowed, one should expect to hear a lot of random comments about how inept he really is in that area. Recently, there have been two examples of this I can note. My roommate, and the crazy guy, Sean. Both are quite small in that area, and know it. Both are majorly insecure when it comes to women, and intimacy. Both are attempting to make up for it with overly-inflated egos. One tries to be funny, but if you listen close enough, is just a jerk. The other boasts talents in almost EVERYTHING. They both, I guess, feel the need to compensate.

But here's the thing, why not keep the compensation for the bedroom? Why must these tiny-Thor men try to overstate their positions in other areas of life? It's transparent, this effort, and quite pathetic. And, frankly, tells a girl before she ever gets to see it, that there's nothing much to see.

I do have compassion for these little guys though. It can't be easy being on the low end of the totem pole - or having a small totem pole altoghether, and I suppose their insecurities were pounded into them with locker room giggles at a young age. Also, I'm sure there are a lot of tactless females who have added to the problem...telling a guy he's got nothing to work with - either out of meanness or spite, or both...is counterproductive for everyone.

On the flip side, I've found that well-endowed men take two strikingly different paths in their security as a man. One path is that of telling the world how great they have it behind closed zippers. The other is the absolute mute. We've all met that guy who, in a group of other guys all talking about their weenie fortune, is saying absolutely nothing. He usually claims that the conversation is too juvenile to partake in, but what it does is make us wonder, and want it - whatever it is. The big mouth with the big Johnson usually ends up not knowing what to do with it, or even worse, thinking that size is ALL that matters. It's like a pageant queen applying to NASA because she wants "world peace".

Some of those well-endowed and outspoken ones seem to think that a woman would like a picture of it. I have received a few texts of this sort myself. No, guys, we don't really want to see it, unless we ask. It's not really very pretty, and if we forget to delete it, it makes for quite an awkward situation when we're showing pictures of our new kitten to a friend and....POW....your Mini-Me appears on-screen.

I guess, for me, and maybe any woman, what we want is not tiny or huge. What we want is someone who fits. In the hole and in our hearts. If you're packing a vienna sausage, learn how to use it, or bring toys. If you're carrying the submarine, learn how to use it, or bring toys. For all you guys who fall in the middle somewhere...you're doing just fine, most of you seem to have it figured out. We want to have fun, have romance, have love. Bring that, and we'll figure out the rest together.

Expectations...

Today my horoscope says:

Solo? If you have one or two people you really like, now would be a good time to step back and just mull over your options. By the weekend's Full Moon things will be coming up to the boil. If you're unhappily attached, this can be a good time for you to consider your situation, but do ask yourself, are you setting your expectations rather too high?

Well, let's see.....what are my expectations for a man with whom I want a relationship?

Someone I'm physically and mentally attracted to
Wants a family
Wants to marry
Is intelligent
Is driven, motivated, likes a challenge
Has a job
Has a car
Isn't homeless
Has all (or most) of his teeth
Is within 5-7 years of my age, preferrably a little older
Likes independent women
Knows the differenct between an independent woman and a feminazi
Is chivalrous
Is kind
Is hopeful
Is not Republican
Is spiritual, not religious
Is artistic/creative in some way
Is not addicted to video games, drugs, or alcohol
Likes to eat what I cook...home-style, comfort food
Will encourage me
Will embark on adventures with me
Likes to travel
Likes to have fun, laugh, and be silly
and.....
Loves me.
Appreciates me.
Congratulates me when I accomplish something.
Brings me flowers.
Holds me when I cry.
Debates with me when we disagree.
Holds my hand just because.
Reassures me when I'm worried.
Makes me smile and laugh.


I guess that's a few of my expectations, but here's the catch....I don't just want a man that encompasses all of this....I want to be all of this for a man too.

Is this really too much to ask???

What Does He Want??????

The answer is often sex. But that's such an obvious answer, and there's always something lurking underneath, or so it seems.

One particular man comes to mind when I wonder, "What does he want?" We'll call him A.J. Our brief love affair started while I was already in a relationship, and at the tail end of it. Nothing really happened between us at first. Just a lot of flirting, and talking, and texting. I guess that's something, but nothing sexual right off the bat. Oh, shit, I guess that's kind of a lie. We had phone sex. Quite a bit of it. At one point we were even on the phone while he was talking to my boss, and simultaneously listening to me get off. Now, that was fun. Exhilerating. Scandalous.

I have never been able to figure out what he wanted with me, besides sex. When we very first met, he walked me to my car one day and told me that I was the kind of girl he could see himself being with. That I was pretty, intelligent, funny, caring, and a whole bunch of other things. Over the course of about two months, we hung out several times at my apartment, but never did the deed. He would call or text me, and if I didn't respond right away, would keep calling or texting until I did. He seemed infatuated, curious, a bit obsessed, but not in a dangerous way. And I liked it. A lot. We would talk about the relationship I was coming out of, and why it was ending. The reasons were mostly lack of consideration from his part, and that he lied to me about wanting to settle down and have a family. A.J. thought this was bullshit. He thought I deserved better. He talked of considering starting a family with me, and even though he already had a couple of children from past relationships, would likely want to "do it right" with me.

One day he came to my apartment, rather unexpectedly, and in a bit of a frenzy. We finally shacked up and he instantly regretted it. I wasn't too excited about the way it ended up happening either, but I wasn't freaked out by it. He was. We had used no protection. And he really didn't want any more kids after all. He instantly became a bit of a monster. His life was ending with the mere possibility that I might become pregnant.

The next month was the most miserable month I've had for a long time. I didn't have much of a period, so really wasn't sure if I had become pregnant. I worried about it, we fought all month long, and the side-effects of that stress had me believing whole-heartedly that I WAS pregnant. But, I wasn't.

Since that episode, A.J. and I have remained friends, sort of. We rarely talk much anymore, or text, but are strangely still drawn to each other. He comes by the department I work in, and watches me, or we talk if I'm on a break. I go by his department and say "hi" once in a while. I find myself checking his department's posted schedule sometimes when I come into work, just to see if he's going to be there that night. I look for him every time. I miss what we first had. I crave it sometimes. And when he randomly calls me, I pause before answering, not sure if I really want to talk to him. I always answer, but it's a kind of self-destruction thing because I know it will just make me want him all over again.

The things he says to me, the way he looks at me still, make me want him so bad sometimes. But what does HE want? What has he EVER wanted? At first I thought he wanted a real relationship. Then I thought he wanted sex. Then I thought he wanted a friendship. Now I have absolutely no idea what he wants, or if I ever really knew that in the first place.

What I do know is that he's sexy. He's smart, and funny, and charismatic, and driven. I know that he turns me on. I know that I can't completely shake him out of my head, and that I'm not sure I really want to. I know that I'll keep looking for him, if only to see him smile when he spots me. I know he has a beautiful smile, and bright hopeful eyes. I know this may seem pathetic. But I know I don't care about that. He could be my "Mr. Big" some day. Or, maybe, I'm all wrong about everything.

How is one to ever know, really, the intentions of others?

A Start...

I've been trying to figure out where to start with this blog. Should I go in chronological order, from the first experience to what's happening now? Or should I start with the present (because it's fresh in my mind) and hop around to different stories all willy-nilly. I think I'm going to go with the latter.

Just ten days ago, I met a man named Sean at the poker table. I was dealing cards, and he was playing...so the story usually starts. My first impression of him was that he was cute, kinda young, and sporadically obnoxious. I didn't think much else about him, really, just that he made me laugh when I was having a really bad night, and that he was watching and listening to everything I did and said.

Two days later, as fate would have it, I got called into work on my day off, and lo and behold, Sean ended up at the tables through a fluke bus schedule mishap as well. I got off around 9:00, but decided to play poker for a while. I was actually waiting for my little surly security buddy Jason to get off work at midnight so we could go have beers somewhere. On my way to clock out for the night, Sean approached me and asked for my number. I was a bit shocked, not imagining myself to be his type, but thought it a pleasant enough request, so I gave it to him. While I was changing in the locker room, he texted me, "I think you know this already, but I really like you a lot". Hmmmm...no, I didn't know that. I had barely spoken to this boy, and here he was, liking me A LOT. Anyway, I thought it was cute.

We played poker for a while, and flirted, until Jason got off. I invited him along for drinks with me and Jason, and we all went down the street to a divey little bar to get drunk. Sidenote: I'm quite an affectionate person, especially when I drink. Needless to say, and to make a long story short, I took Sean home with me.

What has transpired over the last ten days has been nothing short of crazy. And the kind of crazy that requires padded walls and some sort of injections or electro-therapy. For a day and a half, Sean told me every dirty detail about his sordid past, admitted to issues and baggage of epic proportions, and apparantly fell in love with me. Three days ago he told me he loved, and was in love with me. WHAT??? Ok, not good.

Now I'm at a point where I'd like to erase the whole situation. I don't particularly want a stalker at this point in my life, and am aware that this guy could become such a person. But, I also feel very sorry for him. He does have a good heart, but he's just really fucked up. And that's sad. What I know for sure is that I'll keep him as far from me as I can, at least for now. Another thing I know is that, in my life right now, I have no need or desire for a person like this. I feel rotten saying such a thing, but I'm in "self-preservation" mode, and cannot, and will not tolerate such disfunction in my life right now. I can't save everyone.

There Must Be Something...

There must be something about me that makes men become quickly and easily infatuated. No, I'm not really tooting any horns here, just dissecting a rather obvious conclusion I've come to. And, the problem with this, is that it usually happens with guys I have no interest in that way. Maybe that's when I can be more myself or something. I don't know. But what I do know is that I attract a wide array of different men to a state I can only define as infatuation or wonderlust.

Here's why I think that is...I am friendly, I am approachable. I am not stick-thin (or even close), and do not look like a stripper. I smile. I debate. I care. I am intelligent, and it shows when I open my mouth. I have respect for people without knowing them. I like to laugh, and make people laugh. I am sarcastic without being surly. I am open. And I like to love.

There just aren't very many people who capture these qualities and use them as I do. And when two people meet, and can relate these qualities, appreciate them, infatuation happens. I just happen to be a female, so men are more apt to pay attention to all of that when it crosses their paths. What I mean by that is....I have breasts, along with all the other stuff, so men perk up a little more than if it was some random dude sitting next to them in a bar and striking up a conversation.

What I'd like to figure out is how to make the RIGHT man become infatuated with me. Not just every man, or any man, but.....the right man.

Sex in Sin City....What You're In For...

I've lived in Las Vegas now for almost 2 years. There's a myriad of men here, and as a poker dealer, my day-to-day world is dominated by many of them. Around the poker table is where I've found a lot of interesting men for a lot of years now. I've been a dealer off and on for seven or eight years now, and a player for a couple more. The poker scene is not the only place to find men, and in fact, probably not the best place either. It just seems that most of my experiences over the past ten years-ish have started there.

In this blog, I promise to bring you real-life, first-hand experiences about life as a single woman - in Vegas and beyond. I will be honest, sometimes shockingly honest. I will be graphic at times, I'm sure. I will vow to not hold anything back, and let the rest of the world in on the secrets of life as a woman, searching for her one-and-only.

With these entries I hope to inspire women to keep trying, keep loving, and enjoy their bodies, their hearts, and their dreams. I hope for my stories to be something a woman can read and say, "god, I can't believe someone else feels that way". I hope, above all, that what I have to say, and relate, will find its way to many unknown hearts, and make them laugh, cry, hope, and live life for all it's worth.

Thanks for reading my blog. I hope you find yourself in it, and love what you find.

Cheers!