What Does He Want??????

The answer is often sex. But that's such an obvious answer, and there's always something lurking underneath, or so it seems.

One particular man comes to mind when I wonder, "What does he want?" We'll call him A.J. Our brief love affair started while I was already in a relationship, and at the tail end of it. Nothing really happened between us at first. Just a lot of flirting, and talking, and texting. I guess that's something, but nothing sexual right off the bat. Oh, shit, I guess that's kind of a lie. We had phone sex. Quite a bit of it. At one point we were even on the phone while he was talking to my boss, and simultaneously listening to me get off. Now, that was fun. Exhilerating. Scandalous.

I have never been able to figure out what he wanted with me, besides sex. When we very first met, he walked me to my car one day and told me that I was the kind of girl he could see himself being with. That I was pretty, intelligent, funny, caring, and a whole bunch of other things. Over the course of about two months, we hung out several times at my apartment, but never did the deed. He would call or text me, and if I didn't respond right away, would keep calling or texting until I did. He seemed infatuated, curious, a bit obsessed, but not in a dangerous way. And I liked it. A lot. We would talk about the relationship I was coming out of, and why it was ending. The reasons were mostly lack of consideration from his part, and that he lied to me about wanting to settle down and have a family. A.J. thought this was bullshit. He thought I deserved better. He talked of considering starting a family with me, and even though he already had a couple of children from past relationships, would likely want to "do it right" with me.

One day he came to my apartment, rather unexpectedly, and in a bit of a frenzy. We finally shacked up and he instantly regretted it. I wasn't too excited about the way it ended up happening either, but I wasn't freaked out by it. He was. We had used no protection. And he really didn't want any more kids after all. He instantly became a bit of a monster. His life was ending with the mere possibility that I might become pregnant.

The next month was the most miserable month I've had for a long time. I didn't have much of a period, so really wasn't sure if I had become pregnant. I worried about it, we fought all month long, and the side-effects of that stress had me believing whole-heartedly that I WAS pregnant. But, I wasn't.

Since that episode, A.J. and I have remained friends, sort of. We rarely talk much anymore, or text, but are strangely still drawn to each other. He comes by the department I work in, and watches me, or we talk if I'm on a break. I go by his department and say "hi" once in a while. I find myself checking his department's posted schedule sometimes when I come into work, just to see if he's going to be there that night. I look for him every time. I miss what we first had. I crave it sometimes. And when he randomly calls me, I pause before answering, not sure if I really want to talk to him. I always answer, but it's a kind of self-destruction thing because I know it will just make me want him all over again.

The things he says to me, the way he looks at me still, make me want him so bad sometimes. But what does HE want? What has he EVER wanted? At first I thought he wanted a real relationship. Then I thought he wanted sex. Then I thought he wanted a friendship. Now I have absolutely no idea what he wants, or if I ever really knew that in the first place.

What I do know is that he's sexy. He's smart, and funny, and charismatic, and driven. I know that he turns me on. I know that I can't completely shake him out of my head, and that I'm not sure I really want to. I know that I'll keep looking for him, if only to see him smile when he spots me. I know he has a beautiful smile, and bright hopeful eyes. I know this may seem pathetic. But I know I don't care about that. He could be my "Mr. Big" some day. Or, maybe, I'm all wrong about everything.

How is one to ever know, really, the intentions of others?